Sunday, September 06, 2009

Doldrums

I realized something this afternoon as I was on a date with Nighean dhonn:

I'm depressed.

And how, you might ask, would I realize this from a date with my daughter?

It struck me as we were going through Borders, looking at books - which constitutes virtually one of the perfect activities for me. As I was looking through, toying with the idea of purchasing a book, suddenly the thought came to me "Why? What for? Is it a wise use of your money?"

Suddenly my reading material of the last week and its tendencies - fantasy and sci fi - made total sense to me: escapism. It meshed with the feeling of dissatisfaction I have been fighting for the last month or so: inability to concentrate on things I am doing, a general lack of enthusiasm for anything.

In an odd way, it is not the sense I usually have from depression: a definite sense of downness, of sadness. It's much more of a listlessness's of the soul, a lack of interest in anything.

So here's the question: not having a severe sense of sadness or any motivation, how does one restart one's engine?

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